Day 25 – Questions!!

Day 25

Today, we’d like to challenge you to write a poem based on the “Proust Questionnaire,” a set of questions drawn from Victorian-era parlor games, and adapted by modern interviewers. You could choose to answer the whole questionnaire, and then write a poem based on your answers, answer just a few, or just write a poem that’s based on the questions.

I’m cheating today, as I have no time to stop and be creative, but I recall a poem I wrote 9 years ago, in which the me of that time answers a lot of those questions.

The poem is very raw and honest.

I’m happy to say that much of this is now truly healed.

Pain

Physical pain of bitter, constant cold, hunger,

slaps, canes and beatings

Fear, terror of these – fear of annihilation, fear of pain.

Fear of death, knives and guns

Unpredictable,

threatening,

lurking

– a Russian roulette..

Fear of emotional pain, emotional torture

Cos it’s all my fault.

I am bad, wrong, a burden

I owe them,

I must repay and make it better

But I cannot –

I’m not good enough, big enough, strong enough or clever enough.

Lonely, empty, lost and afraid,

wandering, day-dreaming, alone.

Looking for comfort, for friendship, for warmth, safety, acceptance…

I need to escape, to hide, to somehow survive and get away –

but where to?

I focus on the beauty around me

Beauty of amazing, glorious mystery

Creation – so delicate, vulnerable, persistent and powerful –

A gift into my emptiness.

I love the world and all of creation.

I want to love and to serve

I seek to rescue those in pain

to come alongside, help and hold them.

I am blessed with friends, family and God –

without them I would be long since destroyed!

But I am still so desperately lonely, cold, empty, small and afraid.

I escaped the physical pain,

but the bruises and scars remain

Tender, whilst the taste and strength of fear still paralyse.

Daily I hear the echo of lies and labels

How long will I let them define who I am and who I can be?

Busyness fills some of the emptiness –

work, relationships, learning, doing

doing, doing…

Big Dawn can do some of this, she can wear this mask for a while,

As long as she hides and does as she’s told.

Being hurts, so I kill the pain.

A bottle or two of Shiraz, a pint or 10 of ale –

it lessens the crippling fear as darkness falls,

it drowns the mocking voices,

dulls the heart pain,

chases the memories,

rebukes those stupid, dangerous tears

and lets me dance and live…

Or does it?

Was it me I was trying to kill?

Kill the ‘good for nothing’ Dawn?

They can’t blame me if I’m dead.

They can’t hurt me if I’m gone,

gone to where every tear is wiped away and pain is no more.

The anaesthetic has worn off now and I feel it all…

raw.

No wine to ease the pain of feeling,

no husband to distract and hold my body,

no work to busy my mind…

But I am holding to the promise:

‘plans to prosper you, to give you hope and a future’*

I have support in place,

I have all I need –

now it is time to do the work!

I will employ Ms Haynes to help my little girl –

she will guide, hold and encourage both little D and mummy D

She can care for us and keep us safe

She can put her knowledge and experience to good use

She will draw on Wisdom, Truth and common sense..

Jesus, You were so sad as to death,

but You did the work.

You know how I feel –

And you love me despite my fear and mess.

I invite You again to enter the space I have made for you

to fill my emptiness

I ask You to heal my brokenness and pain

to give me ‘beauty for ashes;

joy instead of mourning;

praise instead of heaviness’ *

and to exchange the fear for the miraculous power of Your LOVE.

I choose to let go of fear, of the past, of darkness

I lay hold of forgiveness, healing and life

I welcome Grace and Mercy

and I choose to share them wherever you take me..

– 6 weeks without alcohol at age 50. (12/04/2015) * Jer. 29:11; Isaiah 61:3

split personality image by rusty mermaid

Do you feel condemned for your doubts?

FMF: Doubt

‘If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.’

James 1:2-8

Hands up any of you that have sometimes doubted that you will receive what you are also believing for in faith.

Yes, me too!

Double-minded? Maybe.

Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

Matthew 21:18-22

If Jesus is suggesting that we can never doubt, then we are all in trouble!

If faith pleases God, then what do we do with our doubt?

Let’s have a little look at Peter in the boat – or rather out of the boat!

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Matthew 14:28-31

Peter spoke out in faith when he saw Jesus on the water;

he got out of the boat onto the water in faith in Jesus’ command to come;

and he actually walked on water!

The other disciples did none of that! Their brains thought ‘He’s a ghost!’ If Jesus or Peter had asked the others to walk on the water, they’d have laughed at the preposterous idea.

And so would I, probably, if I had been using my brain.

Did Jesus tell the others off for doing nothing? Or give up on Peter for doubting? Of course not. Look how powerfully Jesus continued to use all of His disciples during the rest of their lives.

Look how many times Peter messed up and was repeatedly forgiven and reinstated.

And He can continue to use every step of faith that we take.

Every Friday, I join an online Christian writing community, Five Minute Friday. We are given a one-word prompt and write – unscripted, unedited, pure free-write – for 5 minutes. The prompt this week is Doubt.

My five minutes are up, but I want to add a few more thoughts to this.

Like with Thomas and Peter, Jesus does not rebuke our doubts and questions, but patiently teaches us and rewards the faith that we do exercise.

We are asked to believe with our hearts, not our brains. Faith is not a logical, scientific step. It is a heart thing. If God asks you to do it, then He has equipped you and you can command the universe to comply with His request.

Faith is trust in Who God is, not in who I am or what our clever little brains can figure out. He does not even want us to be wise in our own proud eyes.

‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.’

(Proverbs 3:5-8)

Faith is trusting in Him who can.

And God can. I trust this with my heart, not my brain or logic.

But just like the father of the epileptic boy, who in desperation and faith brought his child to be healed by Jesus, to us and to him Jesus replies:

“Everything is possible for one who believes.”

And let us, like the boy’s father, reply to Jesus:

“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:21-24

All of us have moments when we feel a surge of great faith and other moments, as we step out in that faith, that we question those actions which may suddenly look rash.

Remember that our faith is in God, not in our own ability. It is often very appropriate to doubt our own capacity!

Confess your heart to God however it is, as David does in the Psalms.

Growth in faith is a process, like with all areas of maturity. God never gives us more than we can handle or expects more than our experience has allowed us to build in trust.

Jesus saved Peter from drowning, He healed the epileptic boy, He returned personally to show Thomas his wounds.

He understands and has mercy on us.

He knows where and how are trust has been wounded in the past and He cares.

Jesus meets our doubt with mercy and understanding and we are reminded in Jude’s letter to do the same to ourselves and to others.

‘Be merciful to those who doubt.’

Jude 22

Peter focuses on the storm and begins to sink (doubts)

Doubting Thomas: “Unless I see…”

Don’t allow your questions and doubts to be misconstrued as ‘disbelief’.

To grow in faith we need to take one step at a time, knowing that Jesus loves our steps of faith and meets our questions with tender wisdom and mercy.