Please forgive me for a not-so-edifying ramble.
When I first read Kate’s post for this week’s prompt, ‘Guess’, I fully identified with her reflection on asking the Lord for direction and not being able to see His answers. Her comparison with that discerning to feel a bit like guess-work. I thought that her blog was enough said on the matter, because personally I was right in that ‘no-man’s land’ of not seeing the direction at all, for certain issues.
And I am still there, still feeling like I am having to guess what God’s will for me is.
People say that I must listen for His still, small voice;
that I will find answers in the Scriptures;
that God’s perfect peace will be my guide;
that if I fast and pray…
And I have probably said the same thing!
But, if I am stuck now, do I conclude that I am doing it wrong? That my heart is wrong? That this sheep does not know her Shepherd’s voice? That sin has blocked me from hearing His voice?
Does God want me to ‘follow the mind of my heart’? Or to take advice from Christian people? Does He want me to be patient and spend more time seeking the answer?
I know that he who seeks finds.
Or has He told me clearly already and I don’t like the answer?
Does God’s answer take me where I have no intention of going, nor desire to go?
I do not trust my own heart, it is deceitful above all things.
And I have asked advice from spirit-filled friends and their opinions and advice has been varied and contradictory, though I now have even more options in what feels like a multiple choice exam! And I have never been good at multiple-choice. I have painful memories of French and German listening comprehension exams, where in each choice of four options I consistently guessed wrong. The odds of that were even remarkable!
Maybe I am impatient to know the answers, when it is not time for me to know.
Maybe I am trying so hard to listen, that I have become blind and deaf.
Does the Lord really want me to guess His will?
Does He trust me to guess?
Does He know that I already know His Will and know that in time I will say ‘yes’ to Him and do that ridiculous sounding thing!
I am sharing this only because some of you may relate to these feelings. It does not feel like an encouraging or edifying post, but it is an expression of the mess some of us might sometimes grapple with. This someone does, anyway.
I imagine in a few months, or days, or years (God only knows), I will look back on this and see God’s path and wisdom as clear as the moon on a cloudless night, as so often happens.
There is always such profound insight in hindsight.
Meanwhile we grapple.
Oh me of little faith!